More Quotes from "Winning With People"

Here are some more of my favorite quotes from Winning with People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time by John Maxwell.

"Since nothing we intend is ever faultless, and nothing we attempt ever without error, and nothing we achieve without some measure of finitude and fallibility we call humanness, we are saved by forgiveness." -David Augsburger

"In prosperity our friends know us; in adversity we know our friends."

"Friendship is like money, easier made than kept."  -Samuel Butler

"There may be nothing more important in a marriage than a determination that it shall persist.  With such a determination, individuals force themselves to adjust and to accept situations which would otherwise seem sufficient grounds for a breakup."  -Dr. Alfred Kinsey

"What we obtain to cheaply we esteem to little; it is dearness only that gives everything its value."  -Thomas Paine

"It is impossible to learn anything important about anyone until we get him or her to disagree with us; it is only in contradiction that character is disclosed."  - Sydney J. Harris

"The key to everything is patience.  You get the chicken by hatching the egg,
not smashing it."  -Arnold Glasgow

"The greatest virtues are those which are most useful to other persons."  -Aristotle

"A genuine friend encourages and challenges us to live out our best thoughts, honor our purest motives, and achieve our most significant dreams."
-Dan Reiland

"Keep a fair-sized cemetery in your back yard, in which to bury
the faults of your friends."  -Henry Ward Beecher

"I realized that if you're slinging mud, you're losing ground."

"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks
others have thrown at him."  -David Brinkley

"Most people make some good choices every day, but they don't make enough good choices to create momentum and obtain success."  -Hector LaMarque

"Because the high road is uphill, no one travels it by accident."

"Treat people as though they were what they ought to be and you will help them become what they are capable of becoming." -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Enjoy!

-Melissa

Quotes from Winning With People

Here are some of my favorite quotes from Winning with People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time by John Maxwell.

"Good relationships are more than just the icing on the cake in life.  

They are the cake."

"Half of the harm that is done in this world is due to people who want to feel important.  They do not mean to do harm.  They are absorbed in the endless struggle to think well of themselves."  -Poet T.S. Eliot

"I always say that the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself.  You've got to be your own best friend first."  - Phil McGraw

"He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself." -George Herbert

"This is certain, that a man that studieth revenge keeps his wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well."  -Statesman Sir Francis Bacon

"The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment." 

-Lady Dorothy Nevill

"A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." Proverbs 15:1

"We gossip because we fail to love.  When we love people, we don't criticize them.  If we  love them, their failures hurt.  We don't advertise the sins of people we love any more than we advertise our own."  - John  Whit, "The Flight"

"People can be the wind beneath our wings or the anchor on our boat."

"Whenever you are too selfishly looking out for your own interest, you have only one person working for you-yourself.  When you help a dozen other people with their problems, you have a dozen people working with you."- William B. Given Jr.

"Sometimes when you give someone a piece of your mind, 

you lose your own peace of mind."

"I believe that if people made the effort to see things from other's points of view, 80% of our relational conflict would disappear."

"Understanding someone properly involves learning from him, and learning from someone properly involves changing oneself."  - Hans Kung

"The Platinum Rule:  Treat others the way they want to be treated."

"Treat a man as he appears to be and you make him worse.  But treat a man as if he already were what he potentially could be, and you make him what he should be."  -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"Integrity is the basis of trust....  It is the one quality that cannot be acquired, but must be earned.  It is given by coworkers and followers, and without it, the leader can't function."  -Warren Bennis

"A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of  us, and who loves us in spite of all our faults." -Charles Kingsley

"Successful people make right decisions early and manage those decisions daily."

"All seems infected that the infected spy, as all looks yellow to the jaundiced eye." -Alexander Pope

"Studies have shown that, in the average home, for every positive statement, a child receives 10 negative statements.  The school environment is only slightly better; students hear seven negative statements from their teachers for every one positive statement.... It takes four positive statements to negate the effect of one negative statement." - Neil Anderson

Some powerful words for you to ponder.  Enjoy!

-Melissa

Can We Build Mutual Trust?

Relationships rise and fall on trust.  John Maxwell evaluates five people principles associated with building trust in relationships.  Question 3 in Maxwell's book  Winning with People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time, is The Trust Question:  Can We Build Mutual Trust?


The Bedrock Principle
Trust is the foundation of all relationships.   

"Developing trust is like constructing a building.  It takes time, and it must be done one piece at a time.  As in construction, it's much quicker and easier to tear something down than it is to build it up.  But if the foundation is strong, there is a good chance that what is built upon will stand."

Trust is the framework of a relationship.

"A relationship can also be described as being like a painting.  Trust is like the frame that surrounds it--and holds it together.  It provides a context in which to view the work of art.  Trust defines its boundaries. And trust secures it to the wall so that it can be enjoyed.  Trust provides emotional structure."

Earning Trust of Others

• Trust begins with yourself.  Awareness of your own weaknesses allows for personal growth and honesty with others.

• Trust cannot be compartmentalized.  A person cannot be trustworthy in one area and not in another.  If a person compromises his or hers values in business, he or she will eventually do the same to family and friends.  How a person treats others is how he will one day treat you.  "An individual's character eventually bleeds into every aspect of his life."

• Trust works like a bank account.  To grow your investment in others, you must continually do things which build trust.  On occasion, you may make a mistake and lose credit.  However, past deposits will still be earning interest!

Surround yourself with an inner circle of true friends.  To identify these people, ask yourself if they: "love me unconditionally, embrace my vision, embody my values, represent me well to others, look out for my best interests, speak the truth when I need to hear it, support me during the tough times, and defend me to my critics."

The Situation Principle
When a relationship encounters a rough patch, do you focus on the situation or the relationship?  We can't just bail out of a relationship every time we need to work hard or make sacrifices.  This is especially true with our family as we don't get to choose who they are.  We all have friends and family who put more strain on relationships than others.


Ways to help you keep the proper perspective on a situation.

• Focus on the big picture.  Remind yourself why a person is important to you.
• Communicate the big picture.  Even amid tough times, let people know that they are loved and important to you.
• Evaluate whether a problem is a one-time deal or a repeating scenario.  There is a big difference between the two.  Even repeated problems can be solved with a commitment to resolution from all parties.
• Learn to pick your battles.  Making every little thing a big deal creates a tense, unhealthy atmosphere for you and  those you interact with.
• Show unconditional love at all times, especially during the storms.  As a parent, spouse, friend, and leader, people need to know you love them in the best and worst of times.

The Bob Principle
"When Bob has a problem with everyone, Bob is usually the problem."  
How to spot a "Bob":

• A " Bob" carries around problems and spreads his poison to others.
• A " Bob"  will find a problem in every situation and expose them to others.
• A " Bob"  always creates problems and tries to involve others.
• A " Bob"  is usually the ready ear for other people's problems and encourages people to continually dump problems on them.
• A " Bob" never sees a problem with their own conduct.

"Every problem starter is like a fire lighter.  And each of us is like a person carrying two buckets.  One is filled with water and the other with gasoline.  When we see the spark of a problem fire being lit, we can choose to douse it with water and put it out.  Or we can throw gasoline on it and make it worse.  If we want to control the amount of damage Bob can do, we need to use the water."

How  to deal with a "Bob".

• When someone tries to be negative, say something positive.  Always try to find the bright side.
• If a person's motives are being criticized, give them the benefit of the doubt.  Never presume to know the heart of another person.
• Encourage people to resolve problems with the involved parties instead of bringing them to you.
• Keep "Bob" away from others to avoid spreading their negativism.

The Approachability Principle
"Approachabiltiy" is a powerful tool to have in your relational toolbox.  How you conduct yourself and what messages you send to others will determine your opportunities for connection and relationship building.  Here are ways to make other people feel comfortable approaching you.

• Exude personal warmth.  If you genuinely care for and like people, others can tell.
• Appreciate the differences in people.  Know the strengths and weaknesses of different personality types so that you can respect and work with each kind.
• Have a consistent mood.  People will feel comfortable approaching you if they know what to expect.  
• Show sensitivity towards people's feelings.  Adjust how you relate to others based on their moods and feelings.  People are more likely to open up if they feel they are on the same wavelength.
• Understand human weakness and express your own.  Pretending to be perfect alienates others.  When people can admit their own faults, they can readily accept the faults of others.
• Forgive easily and always ask for forgiveness quickly.
• Be authentic.  Be true to yourself and genuine with others.  

Maxwell says to "walk slowly through the crowd"- meaning, when in a group of people, take time to talk, connect, and be sensitive to their feelings, needs, and wants.

The Foxhole Principle
"When preparing for battle, dig a hole big enough for a friend."
A foxhole friend is one who will stick by you through tough times and help you battle through.  It is during these rough times that you find out who your real friends are.  

• Foxhole friends are rare. 
• Foxhole friends provide strength, comfort, and confidence before, during, and after battle.
• Foxhole friends can see your perspective on the situation and show empathy.
• Foxhole friends forever impact your life.
• Foxhole friends love unconditionally.

To have foxhole friends says something about who you are, as does being someone else's foxhole friend!



Previous Posts on Winning with People
Winning With People
Are We Prepared For Relationships?
Are We Willing To Focus On Others?


Posts on other Maxwell books:
The Fear Cycle
Quotes From Failing Forward
Ch 9: Get Over Yourself--Everyone Else Has
The Top Ten Ways People Get in Their Own Way







-Melissa

Reaching People Through Their Love Language

According to author, Gary Chapman, everyone has a love language- meaning a method of communicating or receiving love which makes them feel most loved.  While his book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts, is written towards your relationship with a spouse, you can easily attribute the same information towards your children, coworkers, team members, customers, etc...  A key to life and business is building relationships with others.  Treating someone the way they wish to be treated is the proverbial way to build a relationship.  Assessing those you know professionally and personally can give you greater understanding as to how to show love and make them feel good!

The Five Love Languages

Words of Affirmation

Quality Time

Receiving Gifts

Acts of Service

Physical Touch

Below are the notes I took on the qualities and characteristics each love language when I read the book.  Ways to express love to someone with that particular language are included.  Each chapter of the book uses anecdotes to highlight the qualities and how you can best show love to a person with each particular love language.  Chapman also lists additional ideas and tasks at the end of each chapter.

Words of Affirmation
People with this love language feel most loved through oral and written words or language.  They love to be acknowledged for what they do and who they are.  Here are ways you can show love to them.

• Verbal Compliments 
• A greater motivator than nagging words.
• Encouraging Words
• Encourage untapped potential.
• Encouragement requires empathy.
• Opposite of critical or condemning words.
• Kind Words
• People often interpret our tone more than our words.
• The opposite of judgmental.
• Love doesn't keep a score of wrongs or bring up past failures.
• "A soft answer turns away anger."
• Forgiveness is an expression of love.
• Humble Words
• Love makes requests, not demands.

Quality Time
A person with this love language feels most loved when you are fully present and focused on a conversation or activity together.  Here are some tips in providing this type of person with great quality time.

• Undivided Attention
• Turn the tv off and minimize any other distractions.
• Togetherness
• Full, focused attention versus living in close proximity.
• Quality Conversations
• Share experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires.
• Listen sympathetically and ask questions to understand thoughts, feelings and desires.
1. Maintain eye contact
2. Undivided attention
3. Listen for feelings
4. Observe body language
5. Refuse to interrupt (The average person listens for 17 seconds before interrupting or interjecting.)
• Learn to Talk
• Self-revelation is the expression of emotions, thoughts, and desires.
• Personality Types
• Dead Sea:  receives expression from others but does not give outward expression.
• Babbling Brook:  shares everything and doesn't stop talking.
• Quality Activities
• Doing something together that at least one person wants to do and the other is willing to do in order to express love.

Receiving Gifts
A person with this love language feels most loved when people offer a gift great or small.  Here are some details about gifts.

• Gifts are visual symbols of love.
• Gifts and Money
• They don't need to be expensive, the thought does count!
• If cost, is an issue- change your attitude about money.  Giving gifts to a loved one is an investment.  You are purchasing self-worth and emotional security.
• The Gift of Self (Presence) counts!

Acts of Service
A person with this love language feels most loved when people do things to help them.  Assisting them with a need or taking a task off their plate will make them the happiest.  Here are some things to keep in my about acts of service.

• Offer assistance, complete a chore, DO something kind- without being asked.
• Complete chores or tasks with a positive spirit to express love.
• A request can give direction as to how someone wants to be loved but a demand stops the flow of love.
• Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.

Physical Touch
A person with this love language feels most loved when they are being touched.  Here are some things you should know about physical touch.

• As simple as a handshake, a touch on the arm, holding hands, putting your arm around someone, or embracing.
• Critical for healthy emotional development in children.
• Touch communicates hate or love and can make or break a relationship.
• Explicit touch takes more time (a long embrace) and implicit touch is brief (a quick pat on the back).

Discovering Your Love Language

The answers to these questions could help determine which love language you are or you can use them to help determine the languages of others.

• What do people do or fail to do that hurts you the most?
• What do you most often request of others?
• In what way do you regularly express your love to others?
• What would be your ideal spouse?

Click on the link below to go to The 5 Love Languages website and take the online quiz there!

People have a few basic needs: love, security, self-worth, and significance.  If we do not feel loved, our differences are magnified and we will fight to have our needs met.  Others are viewed as a threat to our personal happiness.  People who do not feel loved experience great pain and emptiness which impacts all areas of their life and how they deal with it.



Here are a few of Gary Chapman's books in regards to the Love Languages.

Intentionally love someone today!
-Melissa

The Help

My husband and I seldom watch movies.  So our recent movie date was a rarity, much needed and much enjoyed!  I picked The Help based on the storyline, the reviews, and the acclaim the book had received.  We were not disappointed!

Here is a synopsis of the movie in case you haven't seen it yet as taken from the official movie site.

Based on one of the most talked about books in years and a #1 New York Times best-selling phenomenon,  “The Help” stars Emma Stone (“Easy A”) as Skeeter, Academy Award®–nominated Viola Davis (“Doubt”) as Aibileen and Octavia Spencer as Minny—three very different, extraordinary women in Mississippi during the 1960s,  who build an unlikely friendship around a secret writing project that breaks societal rules and puts them all at risk. From their improbable alliance a remarkable sisterhood emerges, instilling all of them with the courage to transcend the lines that define them, and the realization that sometimes those lines are made to be crossed —even if it means bringing everyone in town face-to-face with the changing times.
Deeply moving, filled with poignancy, humor and hope, “The Help” is a timeless and universal story about the ability to create change.

Click here to view the movie trailer.

The Help was released on August 10, 2011 and was #2 at the box office that weekend followed by three weekends in the #1 position as the the weekends' top grossing movie.

The primary theme of the film is racial discrimination but there are many undercurrent themes.   I love a movie that really makes me think.  You can relate the themes in The Help to your personal and professional life.  Here are a few additional themes that developed a lot of questions for me!

• Interpersonal skills.  How do I speak to and respect others?  It made me think of all the things I've been reading about in John Maxwell's Winning with People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time.  Do I build up the self-esteem of others?   I love how the main character tells a small girl repeatedly "You is smart, you is kind, you is important."
• Parenting skills. What kind of relationship do I have with my children?  Who has the greatest influence on my kids?  How well do I know my children and meet their needs?
• Societal and Personal Values.  What values does our society find acceptable?  How do I feel about it?  Do I do the right thing regardless of what everyone else is doing?  Do I have it in me to fight for something I strongly believe in, even if the risk is high?  Am I strong enough to encourage others to do what is right?

This film will make you evaluate yourself on multiple levels!  It would be a great film to use in team building or training.  If you haven't seen it yet, you need to!

-Melissa


You can find the New York Times Bestseller on Amazon.

Are We Willing to Focus on Others?

Are we willing to focus on others?  That is the "connection" question John Maxwell uses to organize the second section of his book Winning with People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time.  The "connection question" is made up of 6 principles which explore ways to focus on others and their needs instead of oneself.  In doing so, you become more desirable to others and build stronger relationships.

The Big Picture Principle:
"The entire population of the world- with one minor exception- is composed of others."
To break self-centered or self-serving behavior, focus on the big picture, which requires three things:

1. Perspective- There are billions of people in this world who will never know you.  Most of them have needs far greater than yours.
2. Maturity- Most people hit a stage in life where they feel unfulfilled and desire for more meaning in their life.  The key to finding meaning is to use your strengths to serve others.
3. Responsibility- Entering a marriage or leadership position will expose ones' maturity and sense of responsibility.  Maxwell says that good leaders: put others first, serve others, take responsibility, are a good example, give others credit, and mend relationships.

The Exchange Principle:
"Instead of putting others in their place.  We must put ourselves in their place."
The two key elements of this principle are perspective and empathy.  Here are ways you can make the exchange:

• See others in a positive light and give them the benefit of the doubt.
• Get to know others by listening to their concerns, studying their culture or job, finding out their interests, visiting their home, or simply just asking questions!
• Work to find the legitimacy in another person's viewpoint and acknowledge their valid point.
• During times of conflict, work to see the similarities in others' viewpoints instead of the differences.  Don't focus on trying to win.

The Learning Principle:

"Each person we meet has the potential to teach us something if we have the right attitude."

• We need many mentors.  It is impossible to learn everything from one person.
• No one is too old, too smart, or too successful to learn something new.
• Be passionate about learning, don't fall into an idle comfort zone, keep stretching yourself.
• See the value in other people.  I recently met a woman with incredible wisdom who could easily be overlooked based on her physical appearance.
• Surround yourself with people who will help you grow.
• Look for people's uniqueness and strengths, then ask questions.
• In order to show growth, there must be a change.

The Charisma Principle:
"People are interested in the person who is interested in them."
A Sanguine is a great example of a charismatic person.  Even if this isn't your temperament, there are 6 things you can do that will attract others.

1. Show a genuine interest in others.
2. Light up your face with a smile and draw people in.
3. Make an effort to remember names and call people by their name.
4. Encourage others to talk about themselves and be a good listener.
5. Build conversations with others based on their interests.
6. Go out of your way to sincerely make other people feel important.

The Number 10 Principle"
"Believing the best in people usually brings out the best of people."
Believe that each person you encounter is a 10.  Here is why:

• All people have potential and can achieve it if they just believe in themselves.
• Believing in others encourages them and brings out the best.
• Everyone wants their life to matter and wants to feel significant.
• When you help or believe in one person, it overflows to others.
• Seeing others in a positive light makes your day more positive.

The Confrontation Principle:
"Caring for people should precede confronting people."
Nobody likes confrontation so most people try avoid it, however it's impossible.  Generally, if conflict isn't dealt with quickly and correctly, it just compounds!

Here is Maxwell's list of unhealthy approaches to handling conflict:

• Win at all costs
• Pretend it doesn't exist
• Whine about it
• Keep score
• Pull rank
• White flag it

Here is Maxwell's 6 step plan to healthy conflict resolution:

1. Only confront someone if you care for the other person.  Keep the other persons interests in mind and try to make the outcome a win-win situation.
2. To resolve a situation, meet together face-to-face as soon as possible.  Avoiding the issues or putting off a situation will just make it worse.  If a personal meeting is absolutely impossible, then use the phone but Maxwell says to never resolve conflict via email.
3. Preconceived notions can cloud your judgement.  Your first goal should be to seek understanding, not necessarily agreement.
4. Outline the issue causing conflict using a positive approach.  Describe your perceptions without making conclusions or statements.  Express clearly how the issue makes you feel without accusations.  Explain why the issue is important to you.
5. Encourage a genuine response and truly listen.  Maxwell says that 50% of the time people don't even realize there is a problem, 30% of the time they knew there was a problem but didn't know how to solve it, and 20% realize there is a problem but don't want to resolve it.
6. Agree on a positive action plan which focuses on change and the future.

The third organizational question Maxwell uses is the "Trust Question:  Can we build mutual trust?"  By following me on Facebook, Twitter, or subscribing to the blog, you'll get notified when I share the five principles from the third question in Winning with People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time.  You can check out my first post on this book where I discussed the "readiness question" and it's five principles by clicking on this post:  Are We Prepared For Relationships?

WOW!  Maxwell's book is only $5.51 through Amazon today!  The list price is $14.99, that is a 63% savings.  I highly recommend picking up your own copy of this easy to read book!  Don't forget you can get free two-day shipping if you have an Amazon Prime.  Get a Prime account for free through Amazon mom.  See my post: Amazon Mom for more information.
















-Melissa

Are We Prepared For Relationships?

All of our successes and failures in life can be traced back to relationships with specific individuals.  These relationships create a ripple effect reaching beyond us to others with whom we interact.  This is the basis for John Maxwell's book Winning with People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time.  "Are we prepared for relationships?" is the first of five questions outlined in his book.  Here are the five principles Maxwell uses to address our readiness factor when it comes to relationships.


The Lens Principle:  Who We Are Determines How We See Others

• Several people sitting in the same room may all describe a situation differently.  Our perception is influenced by who we are on the inside. 
• It is possible to assess a lot about a person's personality just by watching how they speak and interact with others.
• "We all have a personal frame of reference that consists of our attitudes, assumptions, and expectations concerning ourselves, other people, and life."  These factors determine our personality and "color not only how we see life, but also how we let people treat us."
• "Our thinking and our attitudes are as much a part of us as our talents and abilities.  They also determine what we do."

5 Things That Determine Who We Are

1. Genetics-  We are born with a specific temperament.
2. Self Image- How we see ourselves affects who we surround our self with and how we treat others.
3. Experiences in Life- Our experiences prepare us for how we handle life both positive and negative.
4. Attitude and Choices About Those Experiences-  We control our world with our attitudes and the choices we make.
5. Friends-  The people you spend time with are the ones who shape who you are.

The Mirror Principle:  The First Person We Must Examine is Ourselves

• Having a realistic picture of yourself and liking who you are is critical.
• We often are our own worst enemies and create our own problems. 
• To make a positive change, start by changing yourself.
• "If you do not believe in yourself, you will sabotage relationships."
• "In most situations, I am the problem.  My mentalities, my pictures, my expectations, form the biggest obstacles to my success." -Ralph Stayer.

The Pain Principle:  Hurting People Hurt People and Are Easily Hurt By Them

• One in four Americans is imbalanced.
• When someone lashes out it is more about an internal conflict than the external circumstance.
• "Hurting people overreact, over exaggerate, and overprotect.  They also over influence.  By that, I mean they control the relationship."

Dealing With Hurting People

1. Don't take it personally.
2. Look beyond the person for the problem.
3. Look beyond the situation.
4. Do not add to their hurt.
5. Help them find help.

The Hammer Principle:  Never Use a Hammer to Swat a Fly Off Someone's Head

Respond, don't react! 
Here are some tips on how to avoid overreacting.

1. Total Picture- Slow down, ask questions, and take in the whole picture.
2. Timing- Knowing when to speak or act is more important than what you do or say.
3. Tone- Our tone of voice can change a situation.
4. Temperature-  Overreacting to a problem will generally make it worse.  Responding coolly can help diffuse a problem.

Tips for developing a softer touch:

• Let the past stay in the past.
• Ask yourself, is my reaction part of the problem?
• Remember that actions are remembered long after words are forgotten.
• Never let the situation mean more than the relationship.
• Treat loved ones with unconditional love.
• Admit wrongs and ask for forgiveness.

The Elevator Principle:   We Can Lift People Up or Take People Down in Our Relationships

"You hold the power to make another person's life better or worse by the things you do today."  What kind of person are you?

• Do you add something to life making it more pleasant?
• Do you subtract something from life becoming a burden?
• Do you multiply something in life by intentionally, strategically, and skillfully adding value to others?
• Do you divide something in life by intentionally hurting others to make yourself look or feel better?

These are merely quotes and tidbits taken from each of John Maxwell's points.  Each chapter is really fabulous, I encourage you to read the book!  The next post from Winning with People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time will address the connection question:  are we willing to focus on others? 

You can enter your email address in the box in the right column to get email notifications of new posts, or "like" Twice the Work" on Facebook for updates.

-Melissa

Winning With People

John Maxwell is an amazing author!   If you follow my blog, you've seen past posts sharing some of my favorite points from Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success.  Many people shared how much they liked the series of posts. 

The Fear Cycle
Quotes From Failing Forward
Ch 9: Get Over Yourself--Everyone Else Has
The Top Ten Ways People Get in Their Own Way


I'm moving on to another of Maxwell's books called Winning with People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time. 

You can pick up your own copy to follow along with me by clicking the Amazon link below.  As an Amazon Mom member, you can get free shipping on the book and have it within 2 days!  (Not sure what I'm talking about, see my post on Amazon Mom for more information!)
















Success in life and business weighs heavily on people skills.  Even those who think they are a people person will learn some ways to build relational success.  Winning with People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time is divided into 5 focus areas with several critical principles each.  The chapters are easy enough to read one or two a night and written in Maxwell's powerful style with anecdotes and quotes.

The five critical questions that form the outline of his book are:

1. Are we prepared for relationships?
2. Are we willing to focus on others?
3. Can we build mutual trust?
4. Are we willing to invest in others?
5. Can we create a win-win relationship?

Continuing education is important to the growth of you and your business.  Join me on this book study.  Next week I'll post on the first 5 principles that fall under the readiness question.

-Melissa

The Top Ten Ways People Get in Their Own Way

In Chapter 13 of John Maxwell's Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success he discusses "Avoiding the Top Ten Reasons People Fail".  Here are some fabulous quotes and excerpts from this chapter.

"I think that usually things go well or not so well for people based on their actions.  I believe that for the most part you create your own luck by working hard, practicing self-discipline, remaining persistent, and making personal growth a daily priority.  Add to that the blessings of a loving God, and you don't need to think about luck."

"Most of the time the trouble we face is the result of our negative actions.  It's our own fault."

The Top Ten Ways People Get in Their Own Way

1.  Poor People Skills

"A while back the Wall Street Journal printed an article on the reasons that executives fail.  At the top of the list was a person's inability to effectively relate to others."

"Most careers involve other people.  You can have great academic intelligence and still lack social intelligence-the ability to be a good listener, to be sensitive towards others, to give and take criticism well. -Carole Hyatt and Linda Gottlieb"

"Making people skills a strength will take you farther than any other skill you develop."

2. A Negative Attitude

"If your circumstances constantly get you down, then maybe it's time for a change--not in your situation, but in your attitude.  If you can learn to make the best of any situation, you can remove a formidable obstacle that stands between you and your dreams."

3.  A Bad Fit

"Sometimes a case of mismatched abilities, interests, personality, or values can be a major contributor to chronic failure."

4.  Lack of Focus

"Anybody can make an honest mistake when things are hectic.  But people lacking focus have trouble not because they're too busy, but because their priorities are out of whack.  And that wastes their time and resources.  If you go from task to task to task without making progress, or you can't seem to reach a goal no matter how much effort you give it, examine your focus.  No one can move forward without it."

5.  A Weak Commitment

"Johann Wolfgang von Goethe addressed the importance of commitment: 'Until one is committed, there is hesitance, the chance to draw back, and always ineffectiveness... The moment one definitely commits oneself... a whole stream of events issue from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would come his way."

"Commitment makes you capable of failing forward until you reach your goals."

6.  An Unwillingness to Change

"You don't have to love change to be successful, but you need to be willing to accept it.  Change is a catalyst for personal growth.  It gets you out of a rut, it gives you a fresh start, and it affords you an opportunity to reevaluate your direction.  If you resist change, you're really resisting success.  Learn flexibility, or learn to like living with your failures."

7.  A Shortcut Mind-Set

"Cutting corners is really a sign of impatience and poor self-discipline."

"If you continually give in to your moods or impulses, then you need to change your approach to doing things.  The best method is to set standards for yourself that require accountability.  Suffering a consequence for not following through helps you to stay on track.  Once you have your new standards in place, work according to them, not your moods."

"Truly successful people have learned to do what does not come naturally.  Real success lies in experiencing fear or aversion and acting in spite of it. -Joseph Mancusi"

8.  Relying on Talent Alone

"Adding a strong work ethic to talent is like pouring gasoline on a fire.  It's explosive!"

"The greater your talent, the more likely you are to lean heavily on it and skip the hard day-to-day work of improving it."

9.  A Response to Poor Information

"Successful executives have in common the ability to make weighty decisions based on limited amounts of information.  But they also have in common the ability to gather reliable information to use as they evaluate issues."

10.  No Goals

"A goal is nothing more than a dream with a time limit. - Joe L. Griffith"

"Many people don't have goals because they haven't allowed themselves to dream.  As a result, they don't possess a desire."

"Work on the weakness that weakens you, and there's no telling how far you will go."

Wow!  Powerful stuff!  They should use this book for freshmen college students.  I've shared several ideas and quotes from this book.  If you've missed them click on the post titles below:

The Fear Cycle
Quotes From Failing Forward
Ch 9: Get Over Yourself--Everyone Else Has

My discussions, the quotes, and excerpts are merely glimpses into this amazing book.  You must read it yourself.  It isn't just about business, it will improve all aspects of your life!

-Melissa

CH9: Get Over Yourself--Everyone Else Has

Wow! I am loving this John Maxwell book Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success.  The overall concepts are great but all the little quotes and stories tucked inside the big ideas are so meaningful in themselves.  The main idea of chapter nine is that in order to continue to fail forward, we must get over ourselves by turning our focus from us to others.  There were some really powerful points captured here that I want to share.

"Many people who struggle with chronic failure do so because they think of no one but themselves.  They worry about what other people think of them.  They scramble to make sure no one gets the better of them.  They continually focus on protecting their turf."

John Maxwell's Tips:

Stop Focusing On Yourself
Negative thinking and a general poor mental health can be caused by self-absorption.  Dwelling on yourself and your own problems hurts others as well as yourself.  Feeling like your life is lacking something can be overcome by developing a giving spirit.  In helping others you are less likely to focus on yourself.

Stop Taking Yourself Too Seriously
Maxwell says that most people walk around with a "doom and gloom attitude."  "Recognize that laughter breeds resilience."

Start Putting the Team First
We all function as a part of many "teams" within our families, friendships, communities, churches, and businesses.  The dynamics won't work if individuals compete with each other.  We must take turns stepping back to lift up others in order to reach a goal.  Maxwell tells a story of a basketball team built of phenomenal players who were beat by a less talented team.  Instead of working together, several teammates tried to make big moves all on their own.

Start Adding Value to Others Continually
Maxwell asks you to think about whether the lives of the people you know are better or worse because of you.

1. Put others first in your thinking.  Our heart controls our thinking and our thinking controls our actions.  Our actions paint a picture of our values for others.
2. Find out what others need.  God gave us two ears and one mouth, listen more and talk less.  Ask others what matters to them and find out by observing how they spend their time and money.
3. Meet those needs with excellence and generosity.  "Be more concerned with what you can give rather than what you can get because giving truly is the highest level of living."

"No enterprise can exist for itself alone.  It ministers to some great need, it performs some great service, not for itself, but for others; or failing therein it ceases to be profitable and ceases to exist." 

-Calvin Coolidge

There isn't much here that we haven't heard before probably.  But when it all comes together, it makes you evaluate where your own head is at.  One of my first posts that went up this year was called Climbing Out of a Rut.  It is the second most read post of all time.  Maxwell might suggest I include "get over yourself" as a bullet in that post.

Reading this chapter has me pumped for another of John Maxwell's books waiting on my shelf, Winning with People: Discover the People Principles that Work for You Every Time.

Continue your own education.  Pick up a book.

-Melissa

Related Articles:
Quotes From Failing Forward
The Fear Cycle

Quotes from Failing Forward

I promised to share some of my favorite quotes from John Maxwell's  Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success. 

"Failure is an inside job.  So is success.  If you want to achieve, you have to win the war in your thinking first.  You can't let the failure outside you get inside you." -John Maxwell

"Ninety percent of all those who fail are not actually defeated.   They simply quit." -Paul J. Meyer

"One of the greatest problems people have with failure is that they are too quick to judge isolated situations in their lives and label them as failures.  Instead, they need to keep the bigger picture in mind."

"The better a man is, the more mistakes he will make, for the more new things he will try.  I would never promote to a top-level job a man who was not making mistakes... otherwise he is sure to be mediocre."  -Peter Drucker

"The fight to take responsibility occurs within.  And rarely does talent, intelligence, or opportunity make the difference in whether a person wins that battle.  It calls for character." -John Maxwell

"Our business in life is not to get ahead of others, but to get ahead of ourselves-to break our own records, to outstrip our yesterday by our today."  Stewart B. Johnson.

"Sooner or later we get just what we expect."

"It is easy to dodge our responsibilities, but we cannot dodge the consequences of our responsibilities." -Sir Josiah Stamp

"If you always do what you've always done, then you will always get what you've always gotten."

That gives me a lot to think about and I hope the same for you. 
-Melissa

The Fear Cycle

As mentioned in a previous post, I began reading John Maxwell's book Failing Forward: Turning Mistakes into Stepping Stones for Success as part of my "continuing education".

One of my favorite topics thus far is the "Fear Cycle" he discusses in chapter 4.  The cycle begins when a fear of failure develops due to a previous negative experience. 

"The fear creates inaction.  Because the person doesn't act, he doesn't gain personal experience in that situation--which is key to learning and overcoming future obstacles.  The lack of experience breeds an inability to handle similar situations.  And that ultimately feeds and increases the fear.  The longer the fear remains unchecked, the harder a person has to work to break the cycle." (p.39)

Maxwell discusses that the inaction which occurs when people are stuck in the fear cycle can take on these most common forms:

• paralysis
• procrastination
• purposelessness

Other negative side effects of the fear cycle include:  self-pity, excuses, misused energy, and hopelessness.

Here is what John Maxwell says about breaking the cycle:

"People who want to get out of the fear cycle often spend time feeling guilty for their inability to change.  But one of the reasons they are stuck in the fear cycle is that they focus their energy on the wrong part of the cycle.  Since they know that fear got the cycle going, they believe that they have to eliminate the fear to break the cycle.  Yet most people are unable to do that.  You can't avoid fear.  No magic potion will take it away.  And you can't wait for motivation to get you going.  To conquer fear, you have to feel the fear and take action anyway." (p.40-41)

No one is without fear and it can strike any aspect of your life.  When your business is a "one man show," fears can create a lot of damage and hold your business back if allowed.  I have seen it in myself and in others.  A fear can keep you from achieving dreams, finding success, and reaching your potential.  It all comes down to your determination to act inspite of the fear.  It is a mind game!  You need to change the recording in your head to positive, encouraging thoughts and keep your own thoughts from discouraging you.

With so many powerful points, I am loving this book!  If you haven't read anything in a while or you need to pick yourself out of a rut, I highly recommend this book.

Inspirational quotes have always encouraged me and John Maxwell uses many in each chapter to emphasize his points.  I'll be sharing some with you later this week.

-Melissa

A New Day

Over the years, I've heard many references to this book.  While talking to a friend recently, she mentioned she had it and I just had to borrow the book!  The information can easily be applied to relationships with all people we meet, not just spouses.  Here are some great quotes I pulled yesterday that we need to remind ourselves of daily!

"I'm amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday.  They insist on bringing into today the failures of yesterday and in doing so, they pollute a potentially wonderful day."

"The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history."


"We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history.  We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday."

Have a wonderful day!
-Melissa